So you think you are a stand-up comic? Before you walk the walk you need to get good at talking the talk. Here’s how…

1. Tell everyone you are “opening” for famous comedians. Are you the feature act? Nope. Host? Not likely. Guest spot? Getting warmer. “Opening” the door as they walk inside the club? More realistic. It doesn’t matter that you only get a two minute set and all two minutes are from the back of the room telling people to silence their cell phones, just post about it and talk to everyone like you are the real deal. Be as vague as possible and answer no one when they ask how much time you are doing. Bask in the congratulations that will come your way and be sure to give all of your friends the impression that this person requested you. No, they didn’t just request you, they came to this town just for you. Snap that pic at the end of the night that you waited in line like everyone else for, but be sure to tell us all about how he was a really down to earth guy and you can’t wait to work with him again. I’m sure they feel the same way.

2. Friend request every comedian you ever work with. You will likely only work with them again about once every 3-10 years, but be sure to remind them of your daily existence by inviting them to all of your shows. Sure they are 500 miles away, but if on the off chance they happen to catch a flight down to surprise you with a visit, you want them to know that you are hosting a show at TGIFridays. This goes for all events: birthday parties, trivia nights, and baby showers. Turn that weekend of comedy into a lifetime of “Hey, look at me.”

3. Don’t stop at just comedians you work with, friend request all the bookers and other comedians much more successful than you. Now creep, and creep hard. Comment on everything they post, but make it as witty as possible if you want them to see how truly funny you are and to shower you with gigs. Praise every joke they post as hysterical. Did they post about the weather in Florida being so much nicer than the weather up north? It is obvious you are dealing with creative genius here, so treat them as such and share it and be sure to add in your own “hahahahahahahaha” right above it just so they know how like-minded you are. Comment on all their family photos but make it about your own kids, it is important they see that your bond goes deeper than comedy, that way they can’t ignore you. Message them now. Send them the same thing you sent them 900 times in an email that they never responded to, but be sure to begin this one with “Hey Buddy,” because you guys are pals for life and way beyond a formal greeting.

4. Post about your shows in every comedy group. We are all waiting on the edge of our seats to see what you are up to next and how you are going to change the comedy game, so please don’t leave us waiting. Publicize your shows about 6 months out and remind us weekly with new fliers that look like ads for Star Search. Is it a comedy contest? Even better. We are all dying for that $50 prize money that we would have to get a $400 plane ticket to participate in. Are there local groups you could post these in that would make more sense? Sure, but comedy isn’t about making sense, it is about making people talk, and what better way to do that than to piss everyone off with non-stop phone notifications.

5. Post all your current event jokes online as they come to you. Is it the first thing that popped in your head? It must be highly original and no one else thought of it, so post it. Don’t check to see if other comics are posting the exact same thing hours before you, just do it. Bruce Jenner in a car accident and you want to blame it on his sex change? Highly original, post about it. Witty observation about white girls wearing UGGs and drinking Pumpkin Spice Starbucks? Haven’t heard that before, tell us. Got a joke about Bill Cosby’s rape allegations and Pudding Pops? Revolutionary my good man, you are truly living with your finger on the pulse of topical comedy.

6. Did you just kill? Brag about it. Not some small Robert Durst under your breath kind of brag either. I am talking full-on OJ “If I did it…” brag. We want pics of the empty room five hours before the show, the green room, every comic on stage, and every audience member you met afterwards. Be sure to thank them too. This isn’t the Oscars, no one is going to play you off. Commence relentless tagging of not only comics on the show, but the bookers, family and friends that came out, and even people whose house you passed along the drive to the club. They may not have clapped for you at the show, so you need to clap for them virtually. Make sure to post it to all platforms, Twitter, Instagram, Myspace, Farmers Only, the works! But before you do, double-check to make sure that all of those posts get copied to your Facebook profile so we get to relive the moment with you again and again. We would hate it if our newsfeed showed us updates about our actual friends.

Got it? Now get to work. You’ll have that Comedy Central special in no time all thanks to your efforts on social media. That’s how Carlin got started. Oh, and one more thing… please share this online. There is a good chance that if you do I will take you on tour with me.

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