I am a massive Disney fan and 5th year passholder at Walt Disney World. While I love going to the parks, I also know that some things get on my nerves.
1. Black lights on every ride– Disney, is it completely necessary to put black lights on every single ride? If so, is it also necessary to illuminate me at the same time? I would like to enjoy The Little Mermaid Ride without showing everyone around me that I am covered in the crumbs of the two Mickey pretzels I ate while my wife was watching the parade and that I have a dog at home that likes to sleep on my back. Every ride I step on, I end up looking at some point like a radioactive Chia Pet. If I wanted people to make fun of what was on my clothes I would just wear a Dallas Cowboys jersey.
2. People who think they know Disney in line– We get it, you love Disney. And by all means, feel free to discuss that with the person next to you. But when you begin talking at above average volumes in order to feel like the Ken Jennings of the Small World line, then I get annoyed.
3. Flash pictures- The signs all say no flash pictures, the audio recordings all say no flash pictures, and the cast members say no flash pictures. But the second we turn around that first corner, you start snapping away like the Haunted Mansion ghosts are having a disco party. No one needs 90 photos of their kid sitting in a Doom Buggy. You are annoying us, and your kid. Let them enjoy themselves. Put away the electronics and create memories, not an epilepsy test.
4. The one unairconditioned, monorail car- Why do I always get cursed with this? It is 98 degrees out, in the shade, and I make my way to the monorail hoping to enjoy a nice comfortable ride back to the ticketing station. The doors open, I step in, and the people on the monorail have a look on their face like the I just walked in on a hostage situation. No airconditioning. Of course, there are no seats left, not because it is crowded but because the people that sat down have their backs stuck to the leather seat and haven’t been able to stand up. All you feel is hot air smacking in your face like you are going to spend the next 8 minutes in the burning room on Revenge of the Mummy(Yes, I threw in a Universal reference. It seemed appropriate here).
5. Starbucks- The first time I saw a Starbucks on Main Street USA, I almost cried from the sadness of seeing a major chain store invading the sacred Magic Kingdom landscape. Sadly, the only thing that kept me from crying was drowning my sorrows in a Venti Java Chip Frappuccino. Still, I can’t help but remember the old penny arcade and personal touch that the Main Street used to have and cringe that the only personal touch they now have is when I get my name misspelled on the side of a cup.
6. Waldo C Graphic- I would take 5 hours of Fozzie Bear jokes over 2 minutes of this monstrosity. Personally, I love the Muppets. In fact, I would dare to say that they are my favorite show at Hollywood Studios. But Waldo C Graphic is not a Muppet. The obviously dated CGI and that painfully awkward voice seem almost forced into an otherwise great production.
7. Weeklong Tours- I get that Disney is trying to create a story behind the ride, but explaining on the Kilimanjaro Safari and Jungle Cruise that we are going on a several week long tour is roll your eyes worthy and an insult to the real three week long tour, the Studio Backlot Tour (RIP).
8.Tram guide with limited English– I love the diversity that Disney has with the hiring process but there is just one small adjustment I would make: Can the parking lot tram ride come with subtitles? My wife and I like to call it the Peanuts ride because the operator always sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher. The frustrating thing to me is that I always pass by ten parking lot employees with great speaking skills, and then get on the tram only to listen to the Eddie Vedder of park information attempt to tell me everything important I need to know to find my car later.
9. Over anxious dad on drums in Africa– The drums in Animal Kingdom and EPCOT are always filled with off-beat kids looking to expel some creative energy, and that one dad looking to reclaim his youth in a garage rock band. It typically starts with a tap or two with his kids, and eventually the little ones are tossed to the side so the dad can go at it thinking he sounds like Garth in the music store but looking like Animal having a seizure. It isn’t that serious dude.
10. Fastpass + – Yay! I can plan my day in advance and be sure to get the rides I want! Wait. Only three? The ones I want are taken? I can only choose two from this category? I can’t choose multiple parks? There is a 7 hour spread between rides? Well, at least I don’t have to worry about waiting in line for Winnie the Pooh anymore.
Got something you want to add? Do it in the comments below.
Author: Devin Siebold is a stand-up comedian from Orlando, Florida. He has a new comedy album “Extra Credit” out now in all major online stores and you can see some of his comedy here.